Attractive Today

What makes a person physically attractive? When was it decided that a person has to look a certain way to be beautiful or handsome? I feel as though the physical appearance of things is taken way to far. I mean I have no room to talk because I wake up every morning and put on makeup because that makes me feel more comfortable with myself. But who is anyone to judge anyones physical appearance. What really bothers me is this: Lets say you’re meeting a person for the first time and they say to you: “Wow you’re so gorgeous,”. How do they know that? Like what are they basing your attractiveness off of? Like the most beautiful person in the world can have the worst personality. And I believe that if you have a lovely personality you could have one eye and still be beautiful inside and out. I personally to don’t find myself “pretty” or “beautiful” and I think that because I know more about my faults than anyone else does. I know myself a lot better then the people who call me “pretty” or “cute”. 

I can say that I only know a handful of people who are truly beautiful to me, and by beautiful I mean that they are not only physically attractive but there personalities only add to that factor. But I truly don’t have a clue about things like this, because I find people with quirky things about them more attractive then the cookie-cutter “beautiful” people. Like for example I really like it when people have crooked noses, I don’t know why. I just do. (Owen Wilson’s nose is a perfect example). 

I am wrecked. I am overblown.     I am also fed up with the fucking common cold!     When I just want to feel alive for the first time in my life, I just want to feel attractive today. Attractive Today -Motion City Soundtrack

August 8th

3:13 AM

How important is a father figure in a persons life? I personally didn’t grow up with a father figure so to say. I mean for the last 12 years i’ve lived with my mothers “boyfriend” (I am putting it in quotes because, well, I don’t know what else to call him. He isn’t her husband so I guess he is her boyfriend i’ll go into this later) I can’t recall the last time I saw my father in person, but I do know it was around twelve years or more. This year I tried to contact him, I wrote him a letter inviting him to my high school graduation. I was so excited because a little part of me thought he was actually going to come, and I was finally going to see him again. But obviously he didn’t come, he didn’t even write back to tell me he wasn’t going to come. That’s what hurt me most was the fact that he didn’t he have the decency to write back or even send my mom a text to say that he wasn’t coming. 

For awhile after I didn’t even think about it, I honestly thought that I didn’t care. But I was sitting in my room one night it was like four in the morning, and I just had so many thoughts rush threw my head. I was so confused on why I didn’t have a Father in my life. I wrote him another letter that night. It was an angry letter. I can’t send it to him yet though. He is in the army (that’s how he met my mom) so he travels a lot so it’s hard to catch him in one spot for long. What really sucks about not knowing him is the fact that I don’t know if I act or look like him. I honestly can’t even tell you all of the nationalities because I don’t know anything about him besides the fact that he’s german. 

As much as I want to be happy for what I have now. I will always think about what my life would have been like if he 

were in it?

"Father of mine, tell me where have you been?"

Father of mine

-Everclear

Nothings gonna change my world

11:32 PM

I am pretty sure Im getting my first tattoo this weekend. Im pretty excited about it, and strangely enough Im not nervous at all. Im scared shitless of needles, they are one of my biggest fears, that and spiders. The only thing I don’t know about the tattoo yet is where on my body Im going to get it done. I know I am not going to be getting a tramp stamp, because that’s just not classy. 

The tattoo is going to say “जय गुरुदेव ॐ” which is Sanskrit, it means “glory to the shining remover of darkness,” I bet a ton of you are saying: “why the hell would you get this, are you buddhist or something?”. And no I am not a buddhist nor do I speak sanskrit at all. But it is the mantra featured in The Beatles song “Across the Universe” when you listen to the song you hear it in the chorus: “jai guru deva om”

I am a diehard Beatles fan, I always have been and I always will be. So I thought it would be the perfect tattoo for me. And depending on how this experience goes, will depend on future tattoos. 

that is for the most part what it is going to look like, but I think im going to get a lotus flower somewhere on the tattoo too. But I am not really sure yet.

I am getting it done at, No Ka Oi Tiki Tattoo, it's on South Street which is in Philadelphia.

*if you've ever gotten anything done there please tell me about your experience, thanks :)

August 7th, 2010 (deux)

1:12 AM

I don’t understand the concept of love? What is it? Is there a part of our brain that is reserved for it? For instance if I see the person that I “love” will my nervous system trigger something in my brain and i’ll just know. Or do you have to work towards love through trial and error? I mean i’ve been in a few meaningless relationships, one that just ended very recently because of me. I ended it because I wasn’t happy. And if you’re in a relationship with someone and you’re not happy, what’s the point? I can honestly say that I have never had a successful relationship, not that I am complaining or anything, for I am only eighteen and I don’t really have that much dating experience. But my last boyfriend told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back, all I said to him was: “I can’t say the same back because I don’t know what love is”. He was very taken aback, but I was being completely honest. And I wouldn’t want to lie to anyone about something like love, because I feel like that word is overused as is. I don’t believe that i’ve ever met anyone that is truly in love, so to say. I’ve known couples who say they are in love then breakup as soon as the words are exchanged.

I guess I just never grew up in a loving environment, my mother and father were never married and I haven't seen my father since I was five years old. My mom has never been married and she never plans on getting married. She tells me all the time that: “a piece of paper doesn’t prove your love for someone.” So I guess that’s just the mindset that I grew up around. Not that it bothers me, it just kind of leads me to believe that i’ll always think of it that way and I won’t get married either. Or maybe I am just over-thinking everything? 

August 7, 2010

1:08 AM

Sometimes I wonder how people can hate their lives. I mean I just don’t get it. We as humans have so much to aspire for and dream for I just don’t find a need to give up. Honestly, why would anyone want to kill themselves? I just can’t grasp the concept of wanting to end your own life. I personally have so many farfetched dreams that I can’t even think of not at least trying to obtain them.

July 25, 2010 (trois)

4:22 AM

I just went for a walk in the rain. it was probably one of the most peaceful things ever. I love rain, a lot. Some lady in a car gave me a strange look. Probably because I wasn’t wearing shoes and because I was smiling.

July 25, 2010 (deux)

12:12 AM

I stopped crying. Im also listening to a different song right now. Im listening to “Lavinia” by The Veils. I love this song. I just heard it yesterday but I love it. It makes me, I don’t even know what it makes me but I like it a lot. There are so many things I could say about this song. Like the vocals are amazing, they just rip at your heart on so many levels. For some reason I don’t want to be happy tonight. I want to feel really sad. Like shit even. Im strange at times. 

* I tend to write a lot of stuff at night because I don't sleep very well. And I tend to write in little spurts but I don't like to put them together because I think they look neater this way.